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In the far reaches of the Canadian wilderness, a new arrival at the lumberjack camp was settling down for the night in the men's dormitory with the rest of the guys after his first day on the job. The lights were turned off and suddenly he hears one guy call out, "twenty-three!"...there is a roar of laughter from all the beds around the room, and then another guy calls out, "forty-seven!"...more laughter follows. This goes on for a few more minutes until finally everyone settles down and goes to sleep.
The next morning, the new arrival asks one of the other lumberjacks what all the laughter and numbers was about. He is told that they have all been there for so long at this camp that they know all the jokes, and that each one is merely given a number, so that when it comes to joke telling after lights-out, it is just a simple case of saying the number of the joke that is being told.
So, that evening, after lights-out, the same thing happens..."eighteen!" and there is general laughter..."thirty-five" and there is more of the same. Not wanting to be left out, the new arrival decides to join in the joke telling and calls out, "one hundred and six!" Well, not only is there laughter, but the lights are flashing on and off, guys are rolling on the floor laughing, there's cheering and clapping...a regular standing ovation!
The next morning the new arrival talks to one of the guys and says, "Well, I'm glad you guys enjoyed the joke session so much last night, but I have to admit I'm puzzled as to why there was so much laughter when I told the one numbered one hundred and six...how come?" His buddy replies, "Oh, so that was you!...yeah, we loved it...you see, we hadn't heard that one before."
A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false.
The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on. Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
From time to time, airline flight attendants and other flight crew members have made an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and other announcements a bit more light-hearted and entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard and/or reported:
An airline pilot wrote on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
On a Southwest (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when the flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one child, pick your favorite."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight to Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate"
Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."