What's the definition of an
accountant?
Someone who solves a
problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
~
What's
the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole
named after him.
~
When
does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he
doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
~
What
does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
~
What's an extroverted
accountant?
One who looks at your
shoes while he's talking to you instead his own.
~
What's
an auditor?
Someone who arrives after
the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
~
Why did
the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the
file and that's what they did last year.
~
There are three kinds of
accountants in the world. Those who can count
and those who can't.
~
How do
you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand
in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.
~
What's
the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
~
What do
accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
~
An accountant is having a
hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to
sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a
mistake and then spend three hours trying to
find it"
~
Comprehending Accountants
- Take One
Two accountancy students
were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you
want." The second
accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have
fit."
Comprehending Accountants
- Take Two
An architect, an artist
and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the
wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time
with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The
accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you
have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with
the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
Comprehending Accountants
- Take Three
To the optimist, the glass
is half full.
To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the
glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Accountants
- Take Four "An Accountant and His Frog"
An accountant was crossing a road one day when a
frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess". He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The
frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you
kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay
with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The
accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."