Do we Speak the same Language?

1.

I am with my grandson in Rhode Island, where he was born. I was born in London, England, but have lived in Wisconsin for more than 40 years.

Last week my grandson and I had the following conversation.

Grandson: Papa, where are my pents?
Grandpa: Your pants?
GS: Not my pants, my pents.
GP: Oh, your pens.
GS: No, not my pens, my penTs.
GP: Do you mean your paints?
GS: No, my pents.
GP: (despairing) Please spell the word you are using.
GS: P-A-R-E-N-T-S
GP: Your dad is at work, and your mom went to the store.

2.

The year is 1942. I am in the office of the headmistress (=principal) of the Sacred Heart School in Ruislip, Middlesex. A little cockney boy comes in. The following conversation ensues.
Pupil: Please, miss, teacher sent me for the piles.
Headmistress: (pointing to several piles of books) There they are.
P: Nah, miss, not thet. I come for the piles. Teacher sent me for the piles.
Headmistress thinks for a moment, then points to three buckets standing in the corner.

3.

This one is from the London Daily Telegraph.

A woman walks into a beauty salon in a town in the English Midlands. She says to the proprietor: "My eyebrows." He replies: "I am sorry madam, but we are quite full today. I can give you an appointment for tomorrow though. The lady responds: "Oh, I didn't know I needed an appointment just to look around." (In case you don't get it, she was asking permission to "browse.")

4.

And this one, from the Manchester Guardian, in the far-off days when it was so called.

A business man traveled from Manchester to London, and left his case at the Left Luggage Office at Euston Station. He came back a week later, and presented his claim check to the clerk. The clerk said: "You left a pie on this kise." Said the traveler: "No. I distinctly remember that I brought sandwiches for the trip. I did not have a pie." The clerk appeared to be unconvinced. He said: "You left a pie on this kise, you left a pie on this kise." The traveler understood, and gave him another sixpence. (The traveler had gone beyond the permitted time to leave the case, and had to pay a surcharge.)

5.

This story is a bit apocryphal. In a military hospital two soldiers are in adjacent beds. One says: "Did you come here to die?" The other replies cheerfully: "Nah, I come yesterdie."

6.

Dr. Wm. Heine of Philadelphia told me the following story. He had a hospitalized patient who complained that he could not sleep at night on account of the noises. The good doctor made careful enquiries as to the source of his disturbance, but was unable to discover anything. Eventually he went back to the patient for further explanation. The patient explained: "The noises keep coming in during the night to give me shots, change my dressings…"

In case you haven't guessed, the patient was from Brooklyn.

Alan D. Corré
corre@uwm.edu