HOW NOT TO WRITE A “YOU ARE THERE” HISTORY PAPER
Prof. Martha Carlin
The following excerpts
were taken from a genuine “F” history paper.
It was supposed to be a description of Renaissance Florence, as if
written by a visitor to the
city in 1484.
“On my way from Mesina to study in France I have stop in the glorious city
of Florence Italy. This is a very prosperous city full of market
places and various fishing spots. This
city also has a very good collection of artists. These
artists include Micelangelo who has
made thousands of anatomical sketches in advance of his many marble
masterpices. This can only show you of
the strive for excellence this artist shows. . . .
“Like any other city it has peasants. I
have seen some on the countryside picking spinach.
This is a fairly productive town. . .
“In my time here I have been aware of the government in
control. There is constant disputes
other with other Italian city-states. It
has a republic set up. For many years Florence has
been ruled
by the De’ Medicis. You would think that
this would be some kind of dynasty, but it is more of an ascendancy
from father
to son. Here is a brief history of this
group. It all started off with Giovanni
De’ Medici. . . [There follow two pages
of vague and irrelevant discussion of the history of the Medici family.]
“I feel that Florence
is at it’s peak. I have never been in a
city with so much prosperity. I feel
that this city has much promise. There
is so much culture and pride here. The
art and architecture is vast. This city
has not been this active since the Roman Empire.”
Problems
to note:
Poor grammar and
spelling, which are nowhere near college-level writing, and which show
no sign
of any attempt at proof-reading.
Vague, flabby
sentences that do not build ideas or arguments in a logical
progression, but
are merely random statements that jump from topic to topic with no
connection.
Anachronistic
statements, such as that Michelangelo (who in 1484 was nine years old)
had
“made thousands of anatomical sketches in advance of his many marble
masterpieces.”
Incorrect
generalizations, such as “Like any other city it has peasants.”
Pointless excursions
into irrelevant topics, such as the history of the Medici family.
All of the problems
concerning content stem from the fact that the writer did almost no
research
for this paper and put almost no effort into it. As a result, instead
of a
well-written paper, packed with information and ideas drawn from
relevant
scholarly sources, this is a badly-written and error-filled paper with
little
substantive content.